so my life is pretty bland and meaningless at the moment. i've become a slave to the internet because i have no life. this would have never happened if i didn't become infactuated with this girl i met online. she's gorgeous, she's sweet, but i never get the chance to really talk to her. she's a mystery to me and i love every second of the agonizing torture i endure. every ten minutes i'm off to myspace, hoping she wrote me back, dying to know if she'll ever respond to my messages. does she care though? is she really "busy" all the time?
i don't know...
i want to know...
i want to be with a girl at least once. i want to experience the naive sexual tension that occurs with someone as inexperienced as i.

i can't handle it. i will see her soon...i hope...
august 19...my first concert, the first time i see her.
i can't handle it....

so i've been sick the past few days and i've also kinda forgotten about this lil thingy i have going on here.
i can't really focus much. the damn drugs i'm on keep me all loopy and my reactions aren't as swift. playing final fantasy 8. things are better relationship wise. i've cooled down a lot and i finally got a job at hot topic.
currently looking for a female sex buddy to go to the castle with. dealing with my overreactive jealousy issues again. i need to stop those. my man is very faithful and yet every girl i see is almost like a threat to me. i need to stop acting like that. i feel very numb and very slow and wonder if this is what it's going to be like when i get old and gray. my drawings are coming along nicely though no one on dA seems to care. joined sheezy art and people kinda care.

i wanna be famous really badly. i have nothing to give me a push though...
what's a starving artist to do? i'm going back to play my game.

There's this strange anger boiling up within me. It's violent and reckless and I don't know how to control it....sometimes I'll enter these horrible fits of rage and start attacking the closest person near me...which always happens to be my boyfriend.

Two months ago, when I started to go on birth control I used to get really angry. I would just start punching him and cursing at him, and then fall down on my knees and sob apologetically. Last night I got into a nasty fit because I was embarrassed by his moms boyfriend in a chess game. he had been drinking and I haven't played chess in about 7 years and he kept going on how my moves were reckless and not as offensive and I was just trying to show up my boyfriend, who so happened to be the one I was playing against. I was getting really flushed in the face and on the verge of tears. I happen to like silence when playing this game and the extra company just heightened my nerves in a bad way. On top of his lovely commentary I told the two I was tired and needed to go to bed. My love knew that something was wrong and when he later returned to bed (by the way this was around 4 in the morning) I told him everything I felt but didn't get the sympathy I self consciously needed. He told me that you can't know what a person is feeling. The comment struck me hard because it was so true.

Then for some reason, while I was fuming silently trying to hold my anger back, everything felt....red. Even though we were in the dark I felt and saw red. I proceeded to go into one of my fits which again ended with me sobbing uncontrollably and apologizing...which I’ve been doing a lot lately...go figure. I don't know how I could "feel" red but that's what happened to me. Sometimes I wish I could disappear...I don't feel good enough for him or for anyone. Everyone thinks I’m this sweet quirky pretty girl that can get what she wants but the thing of it is that I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do. I’m sooo indecisive and insecure. I hate the way I’ve been acting towards my boyfriend. My horrible guilty thought is that when he's not around I’ve noticed I’m...happier. Every time I think of this I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. I don't want to be happy without him; I want to be happy with him. No one can help me...they all assume that they can relate...

Or maybe someone can help me and I’m just being too ignorant to actually care. The problem is me...I know it's not my boyfriend. Is this the scar that my parents have inflicted on me? When freedom has finally been obtained this is the horrible price I have to pay? I actually have to PAY for the freedom I’ve been dying for 5 years??? After all the emotional and physical abuse for my entire life I have to PAY for finally getting out of it??!!

....but maybe that's what I get for running away. I never thought things would escalate like this...here I am in my room, far away from everything I once knew...a cute boy is sleeping on my bed...my drawings are in full view and not hidden away in some random place...I can act how I like, drink, smoke, party, stay up till dawn and sleep all day, go out all night...these are things I never dreamed I could ever do. But it all seems hollow to me now. I already knew before doing these things that happiness could never be obtained from them, only ignorant bliss.

What is happiness...? Did I feel it when I was trapped and saw my boyfriend rarely...? Was happiness the little security I had and the thought that I wouldn't really go hungry for days at a time...? What happened to happiness and...why is it so far away...?

That is the question no one can ever answer for me. I’ve grown accustomed to disappointment though, so for the two people who are reading this...don't worry...

Someday I’ll find it.

dude never ever play ddr after you smoked pot...you're freakishly good but get freakishly tired...so i'm writing this in parts. when i get tired i'll type somethin' new. if there are four spaces that means i just played a song.




i'm going to need to pee after the excessive amount of cream soda i'm drinking....idk. i'm uber pissed at myself and need an outlet. what better than dying over ddr? ha i love my sarcasm...




and i keep losing at shit too. it's pissin me off more...>.<
well...not all of them. lol. but besides that...i hate myself for undisclosed reasons. my life is a horrible sham...



actually i dunno what the fuck i'm talkin about. i'm just gonna keep playing...

lead me away from these nightmares...take this life that i can't handle.
my dreams of Technicolor melodies deprive me of what i truly seek
eternity and nothing else...
unable to grasp what it truly means...to be eternal, to be eternally...

i woke up with that in my head. it was a strange thought that came out of a nightmare i don't remember at all. i want to keep dreaming away sometimes but that's impossible for me...i don't understand the way i think...it's some abstract way that i pride myself on way too much. there are days when i feel absolutely alone and need to soak in these thoughts of a false reality, the thing i feed and live off of.
to reject reality and truly substitute your own...people say that but do they actually accomplish it...? i have...5 years of my life were lived in another world. i had rejected society and later reality was long gone. it was a period of time i remember very vaguely. it was similar to a state of lucid dreaming...i knew i was real, that i was alive and in reality, but i felt bound to some other place that feels so far away from me now.

whomever is reading this must think i am absolutely insane...but this was my life. my world of hollow illusions...it's long gone now. i've rejected what i once considered my life. there are days where i want to go back to it, especially now that the real world has taken its toll on my emotionally unstable mind. but oh well...things happen, life comes and goes...

someday i'll accept it fully for what it really is. til then i still dream in a lucid sort of way, tied down to this world but still tasting the sweet life of my own delusions.

i'm a strange individual...

i'm very surprised at how my life has been in the past two weeks. or three...i often forget. time doesn't matter to someone who can't really comprehend the past. or remember it...>.>
anyway...
needless to say my relationship has taken a steep drop. he and i always fight and never show any love or affection to each other. after 4 years of being together (him getting his party animal out last year and me still dying to do the same) we may be getting sick of each other. we got too serious way too fast and way too young. it drives me insane sometimes. i just want to get away and go be a whore and sleep with guys girls and whatever the hell i want...

but my better judgment stops me from doing so. i love him to death...i would die for that boy in a heartbeat.

...ever hear that song called 'handlebars?' listen to it. it builds you up to the point of absolute excitement, fear, angst and almost hatred. you can feel what he's feeling without relating to the words at all. and then all of a sudden at the peak of emotion, it all falls down...everything drops and starts over at the beginning. an endless cycle. that's how this relationship feels to me. we've reached this peak where we once hated each other sooo much. and then we fell together and started over...deep in love and ignorant to the world. but now the cycle is starting over again. i don't know where to go from here. what's the point of making a new beginning when it seems to repeat itself like a scratched record? my life makes no progression...only repetitive insight. i learn from my past mistakes and continuously repeat them until the message is loud and clear but i can't go any further to make amends.

what is wrong with the life i live at such a young age?

i've lived no further than 18 but i still feel bound to being 16. i'm just in a different setting with more complex problems that young 18 year old girls shouldn't be involved in. it marriage really necessary for me? why am i living a married life if i've never lived my own?

the outside world is foreign to me...what is life outside the four walls in my room or the loneliness that binds me to them out? he wants me to be happy...my happiness and love is all that matters to him. above all else-money, games, alcohol, whatever-a smile on my face is what he desires...

i've always hated my smile...yet it is the one thing that every boy that falls for me wants to see...
yeah, guys have fallen head over heels for me all the time i had been staying with my love. (i don't mean to sound conceited but it is the honest truth)
i've broken more hearts than i've ever dreamed i would. i never valued my appearance though down here in florida everyone thinks i'm gorgeous....
i still think they're lying.
but yet...i still blush in spite of what my mind thinks of my appearance. one day i'll be happy at what i see in the mirror...

'til then...

yeah, whatever that means. i happened to be stoned at the moment so forgive me for any random things i may say. life isn't as depressing as it used to be since me and my lover made ends meet and were able to stop fighting over useless crap. i have nothing of major use to really put in this entry except for the fact i've started to write poetry again which is a very good thing on my part. my writing skills have been lacking and it's good that i've finally unleashed my writing potential once again...

the main reason i'm stoned is because i want to know what it feels like. my cousin says she gets some crazy inspirational ideas out of nowhere, and i know that most stoners actually do say some thought-provoking...well, thoughts, i mean stuff. i noticed how ridiculously good i am at guitar hero...and the fact that i'm typing all this with few grammatical errors of any sort and i sound decently intelligent. i often under-estimate myself when it comes to how smart i am. i've been called a profound thinking by my teachers...which i find absolutely ridiculous.

but ya, i have these weird concepts of technicolor melodies and painted skies, abstract dreaming and shallow lies...oh look, a rhyme.
swweeeetttt.....

...uh...yeah. i wish i had my latest poem with me so i can share it to all you random unknown folk of some sort. i doubt anyone can actually find me...>.<
maybe i should consider joining some groups.

another thing about me is that i'm an absolute alice in wonderland freak. i love the story with all my heart. how anyone can say lewis carroll is some crazed druggie is outlandish. he was a bit...uh, of a child pervert....to say the least...
i'm soooo off topic. is this really what happens when you get high? i don't feel the way most people do. i just think more and my eyes are kinda watery.
-sigh- why did i even consider this...?

oh well, peace for now loves.

oh my, i'm a tired person.
and my damn avatar ends up to be anime instead of my piccy....darn.

well, hi. i don't know who i'm saying hi to but hello either way. i'm a lonely 18 year old girl who is stuck in a nowhere of florida from her old nowhere of new jersey. but that's a story for a later time.

i'm engaged and underaged lol. and have been with said hubby for about 4 years. can't really type right now cuz i'm stuck at school which is my only internet access. hee hee. i'm a manga-ka too.
gloomynekochan.deviantart.com <--that's my da if anyone's interested.

oh, wish i could write more. i'm usually more livelier than this....and sorry if i misspell anything...nyaa...

uh....
yeah.....huzzah....